she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize