they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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