When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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