I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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