Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
