how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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