Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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