It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
