I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
