is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize