Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
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