??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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