You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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