Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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