Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize