I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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