I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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