Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
