i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
