It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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