sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
