Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
