what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
