oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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