I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
