So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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