did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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