I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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