i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
