I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
