I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
