1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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