just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize