there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
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