Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Randomize
