i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
