Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
