I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize