Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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