I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
