dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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