you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
