you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
