She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize