Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
