Please, let me fuck your mom
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
