I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I would fuck him just for his dog
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
