I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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