I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize