Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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