I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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