my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I currently don't understand fingers.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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