Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
