the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
