what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
