he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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